SB (small boy) will be three next month, and I thought that by now maybe I’d stop saying really weird things, especially in public.  Nope.

A sampling of the last few days:

“Stop licking that pole!!!”  (Repeated three times at increasingly high volumes before SB got the point).

“Take your pirate hat off the dog.  No, she doesn’t need boots either…”

“Let go of your Woody and please get in the car” (Sheriff Woody, to clarify…)

“Take your toy pliers away from your weenie” (cringe worthy, even for us weenie-less folks)

“No, we can’t go trick or treating right now (8:30 a.m. in early October)

“Sorry, but you can’t wear you Mickey Mouse ears to bed/school/in the tub.”

“Don’t worry, the spooky alien guy can’t get in the house” (our neighbors go all out for Halloween and SB’s very concerned about this one)

One weird conversation that I brought upon myself that won’t end – I stupidly made up a little story when SB was younger and told him our dog was able to flap her ears really hard and make herself fly when she was a puppy.  No, I don’t know why the hell I did that.  I’m blaming it on exhaustion, my go-to excuse for any dumb decisions I’ve made since SB was born.  He was mildly interested when he was younger, but now he’s obsessed.   I’ve been digging myself out of this one for weeks –   “No, not all dogs fly.  Our dog did when she was little but just for a teeny tiny bit.  No, you can’t fly.  Stop pulling your ears.  No, mama can’t fly either, OUCH LET GO OF MY EARS!”

So there you have it.  I’ve hidden the pliers, Halloween will be over soon so the Pirate hat will get “lost”, and we’ll just avoid poles for the rest of our lives.  Easy.

Now it’s your turn to pipe in.  What’s the weirdest thing(s) you’ve said to your kids?  Don’t be shy.  We have a flying dog.