Was it General Patton who said war is hell? Clearly he didn’t have a small boy (SB) because then he’d have known what hell is REALLY like.
Here’s what our eleven step nighttime routine looks like these days. I actually lied to SB’s doctor when he asked how bedtime was going. Pathetic.
Step One: Bath time. Lots of happy splashing and playing with boats. So far so good unless it’s a dreaded hair washing night, then there’s lots of yelling and angry splashing (by SB, not us).
Step Two: Get into pajamas – Sharks? Dinosaurs? Skeletons? A five-minute debate ensues over bedtime fashion. Of course during the day he doesn’t care what he looks like, but at night our house turns into Project Runway.
Step Three: Milk and a TV show in our room. Easy.
Step Four: Book time. Fairly easy.
Step Five: Lights out. Now the fun really begins.
*Note – this is the part where our pediatrician says we should be done. And he says it with a straight face.
Step Six: Cram myself into SB’s toddler bed and fight for pillow space with 300 stuffed animals.
Step Seven: The command is given for me to SING. Do you remember those movies where the king would order the jester to sing or he’d be killed? That’s how it is around here. Apparently my horrifically off-key version of Thunder Road is crucial for the King to fall asleep. God knows why.
Step Eight: SING MORE! (by this time my back has cramped up and I’ve lost the will to live…)
Step Nine: Excuse time. Some of my favorites: SB needs to kiss the dog. The bed is hurting him. He pooped (liar!)
Step Ten: The Jester (me) must sing one more “little song”.
Step Eleven: Try to sneak out and get caught by his highness.
Repeat steps 6 – 11 until the King falls asleep.
Well played, King Small Boy. I bow to you. As a good Jester should.