Do you think the world would be less crowded if women knew beforehand that they’d never get their thighs back after giving birth?

I see photos of celebrities who are back to size zero three weeks after having a baby, and all I can think that someone needs to be force-fed a cheeseburger.  Obviously I didn’t check the box at the hospital that offered the 19 hours of personal training per day – instead I opted for the Lactation Consultant.  Duh…

I keep saying that I really need to lose this baby weight, and then I realize SB (small boy) is almost three.  Huh?  And so it goes like this:  for a few weeks I work out feverishly, glare at the scale, try not to snack on all the goldfish/cookies/pretzels/chocolate bunnies laying around the house, and then things slide back to normal – running around (zero calories burned, why???), doing errands, keeping SB alive, etc.

If this continues, my thighs are going to take over the world soon.  And I can’t even talk about my abs/stomach.  SB once said, “Mama, you’re like a really soft pillow!”  AARGH.  I’d rather he said, “Wow mama, I can bounce quarters off your abs!!” but clearly his vocabulary’s not that extensive yet.

And then there’s Spanx.  I thought this was the solution to all my problems, but then I realized that whoever invented the damned things must really hate women.  I can’t tell you how many pairs I’ve thrown out at fancy schmancy events after a few glasses of wine.  Ladies, you know the drill – go to the restroom, hyperventilate trying to pull them down, get friction burns trying to pull them back up, and then you finally stop sweating and sit down – and they roll down your stomach.  Sexy.

So I’ve decided to keep exercising, but also to be ok with certain parts of me being a soft pillow.  Because really – how much longer will SB be a snuggly little guy anyways?  As far as the rest of me goes, I’m busy fine-tuning my Spanx workout video.  Stay tuned.